We continue our series, “Humans of MHT,” where each of our clinicians have picked a word from David Whyte’s book “Consolations” to discuss. For this month’s interview, Sarah Butcher chats with Lauren Ziel about the word “Anger” and the ways her perspective of this emotion has evolved through life’s transitions.
You will find the transcript of the interview below.
Lauren Ziel: What does humanness mean to you?
Sarah Butcher: For me, humanness is actually part of belonging to something bigger than myself that connects me to other humans, and also to my own emotions like joy, anger, pain. And recognizing that connecting to these emotions helps me live wholeheartedly. I'm thinking about wholeheartedness in terms of Brene Brown, and how she talks about living wholeheartedly means you are imperfect, vulnerable, and afraid, and also, at the same time, worthy of love and belonging. I think that is a huge part of being human. You don't reach this destination. We as humans are constantly on a journey, and our life is this process of being on this journey in the best way that we know how, and experiencing different emotions, and working through them. Sometimes that's easier than other times. I think that as a whole is something universal to all of humans and connects us. When I think of that, it gives me comfort that there's little me, but then I'm also part of like this bigger whole, of all these other humans in the world. And how the way in which we belong and engage has everything to do with our relationships and the people around us, and not just us as this little island trying to improve ourselves and work through emotions alone. We do that because we are around other humans, and we can't do it alone. That would be impossible, and we can't really grow as humans when we're just solitary and by ourselves. In many ways, that gives me comfort, thinking about everyone coming on this journey of humanity with me.
LZ: There's so much there. As you spoke, I was like oh, and that pings, and that pings. There's so much truth in what you're saying. I love the reframe about thinking about the goal. The goal can be the experience, not getting there. That’s a frame of reference shift that references how you are going to relate to your wholeness. I almost wonder if imagining wholeness isn't the destination, and instead getting in close to your wholeness, as something that you're coming to and moving away from continuously on this journey of life is the reframe. Wholeness isn't the destination, but instead it is every step you take on the journey.
SB: Yeah, I like that. I like what you said about coming towards and then away. Sometimes we feel closer to the destination, and sometimes it feels far away, and that's just part of being human. That's part of the journey and that's part of growing. At different times in our lives, it might feel like, wow, this is really hard, feeling like you're taking these steps back. But yes, it's about being on the journey.
LZ: Yeah, finding contentment. It would be nice to feel content when you feel further away. That would be ideal, in my mind. But how can we accept the contraction and the moving away from what we'd like to be moving towards? And honoring that that’s just, I want to say, like the nature of things, the physics of things. I’m reminded of, I’m stealing it from somewhere, I wish I could quote them, but that all life processes have a natural expansion and contraction to them. If you do a time-lapse, of say, a flower opening up, you will see, if it's slow enough, you'll see that it opens, and then it kind of contracts, opens a little more, and then contracts. This is a natural, normal rhythm. And there's so much, I think, shame or stigma that you should be like linearly moving forward and like always progressing, when that’s just not how nature works, that's not how human beings exist. It is impossible. So yeah, that reframe of it's not the destination, it is the journey, and if you can just be in that process, which I say just, but yeah like that's the work that's being whole. That’s being human. That’s coming to it, like you said Brene Brown said, wholeheartedly.
SB: The hard part is, there's not a road map. While we all are human, and we are all doing this, it’s an individual process, you know, within our humanness. It might not look the same for everyone, even though we're still all on this journey, and that can be really hard to feel like, where are the directions!? But that the goal, maybe, is to be okay and content when we think, oh we're not there. As we learn and grow that may become easier, but we're never going to be perfect and that is okay!
LZ: There's something you said earlier that like kind of brings like a solaceness to, how you were saying like, it's me connecting to me and all of my different parts, but also to the parts of me that are connected to a greater, like ether, the greater collective, like everybody else. And sometimes I frame that, and feel that into, like me, connected to some sort of bigger divine presence, that includes every single other being. And even when I might feel like I'm further away, there's a solace in knowing that not every bit of me is contracting. Like there is still in some way cosmically, metaphysically, or psychically that part still moving towards or moving on my journey, like even if I don't resonate with that feeling. I feel contracted and pulling--there are other parts of me that are still moving in that direction.
SB: Yeah, I like that, and it brings up there are so many different parts of us. At times, different parts of us might feel confident and be like winning out, sort of, and then at times, the part that just feels bad is really taking over, but that we all experience, at the same time, so many different emotions and feelings.
LZ: And how to let the part that feels bad or doesn't feel good enough--that that part has every right to be at the head of the table as any other part.
SB: And as humans we are still worthy when that part is at the head of the table, and that is completely okay.
LZ: Really cool. So to move on to that, the next question, you chose anger as your word from David Whyte’s Consolation book, where he's unpacking all the different aspects, these various words of what it means to be human. So why choose anger, and why is that word particularly meaningful for you?
SB: Yeah. What really drew me in is what David Whyte writes about anger at the beginning of the chapter. He writes, “anger is the purest form of care, and it illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect, and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.” He also talks about it being “the deepest form of compassion” and how being in touch with our anger really helps us to be fully alive and fully here. Those things really struck me because I'm not used to thinking of anger as the deepest form of compassion that I could have for myself, or that others can have for themselves. Really, in order to let in all those parts, one thing I have to let in is the anger because anger is like so much of what makes us who we are.
“Anger is the purest form of care, and it illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect, and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.”
SB: I think of my kids, to begin with, and part of it is that I think of my kids and the way that they experience anger, and the way that I want to react to them when they experience anger. In that, I want my children to be able to know that anger is okay, and that it is something that they're going to feel, and that they shouldn't be ashamed of it. And it’s not something you can't or shouldn’t feel. Working with them on, now you feel angry about something, so how do we express that? That's where I try to work with them. I have two little boys so they are very busy and, at times, physical. If you feel angry, instead of hitting your brother, what is something else you can do to express your anger? I want to communicate, it's still okay to feel this anger.
As I was thinking about all these different things with my kids, and also because I've seen my kids a lot more because of the pandemic, I was thinking about Donald Winnicott, who was a pediatrician and a psychoanalyst. Winnicott talks about the baby’s desire to meet up against, and feel its own power of movement against an object, and that kind of describes anger and how important this is for even an infant. And anger means the child has got as far as believing in someone else. As an infant, a part of development is you start to recognize that you are a separate being than your mother. That's a good thing, and part of recognizing that, Winnicott explains, is you know, feeling some aggression, and this helps the child separate into their own self. Winnicott talks about when the mother accepts this anger without retaliation, and allows this aggression, is really a time when the child can grow, and sort of, integrate their different selves. So that the child at a really young age can know that anger is not deadly, and that she or he can learn to incorporate all emotions as part of their self, so they don't have to repress an emotion.
I think this goes back to belonging as a human and living wholeheartedly, and that we accept all these different emotions we have. They are not bad or wrong. I think back to my own kids and helping them tolerate their anger and accept it and find outlets for their anger. And then of course, my own feelings of anger and impatience. I think motherhood really gets you in touch with just some of your more raw emotions, some of them being anger and trying to help your child deal with it, trying to help yourself deal with it. You feel frustration and feel, you know, sometimes helpless or tired, and that is something this year that I’ve really thought about--how I show and express my own anger and what my children can learn about that. That it’s okay to be angry, but how do I show it and express that in a way that is healthy, that my children can learn from.
And then the other thing that really made me really drawn to the anger chapter is thinking about 2020 and how important anger has been, and coming in to 2021, in actually changing our country, hopefully for the better.
I read this article in The Atlantic by Myisha Cherry and she talked about how anger further expresses how much protesters like in Black Lives Matter treasure justice. One thing that I found interesting is she talks about how fear causes us to run away, but anger motivates us to run towards a target instead of away, and it makes us eager to approach and tackle an issue head-on. So that without anger, activists, say activists this year, protesting police violence, might stay home. And that we need that anger to protest what is unjust, what is racist, what is not okay, and that anger is a key and central emotion to all of that, and without it, things might not change at all. So yeah, I think there's many different ways, in many different parts of my life this year that I've just thought about what anger means. And then this chapter really helps me to think about and like treasure anger, that sounds kind of weird, but really appreciate it in a way that I had never thought to appreciate anger before.
“we need that anger to protest what is unjust, what is racist, what is not okay, and that anger is a key and central emotion to all of that, and without it, things might not change at all.”
LZ: Two parts: David's reframe of anger being like the ultimate expression of care and compassion, and then with Ms. Cherry’s article that anger is necessary and anger allows us to move towards something, move towards and make actionable movements towards what our values and needs are. So there's this very like alive positive movement that is stoked by anger, which is such an interesting way to look at it because in my experience, perhaps, culturally, perhaps gendered, the intersections abound, but anger hasn't been something that is tolerable or OK. That part of me has had to die and go away or not be felt because oftentimes my experience of anger is, I feel incredibly uncomfortable when I'm around it, or if I experience or tap into my own anger towards someone or something, like I feel bad. My instinct is like, oh push that down. It’s not allowed to be here. And so it is just so opening and freeing about this rewrite of it, and actually to hold it as such a necessary emotion. It's an emotion that is evolved over time, that we can get in touch with in constructive ways. It is okay to feel it, and to express it for a greater good, even on a selfish level, for us to be in touch with what our needs and values are, like anger will show us, like we will experience anger if those aren't getting met and those are being violated. Anger will show us exactly what they are. Yeah it's just like a little dumbfounding, a complete 180 from how I felt about anger in the past.
SB: Allowing yourself to feel anger is an act of compassion and it is like a roadmap for what do I value, what do I need, what do I require as a human being.
“Allowing yourself to feel anger is an act of compassion and it is like a roadmap for what do I value, what do I need, what do I require as a human being.”
LZ: And you were speaking to your experience in motherhood. It’s like you come into contact, because of everything that you're holding and the complexity of your life, you come into contact with your frustration and your anger, and I wonder what is that showing you? Are you really tired? Did you eat? Have you gotten enough space to be Sarah for a second and not mom or wife or whatever? Anger Illuminating, like, oh Sarah hasn't gotten to act into her values or needs in some way, and yeah, just anger being the sign post for that is a way to express your anger, in a constructive way, that allows it out of your system. When it gets turned in, towards you, you can get hopeless and depressed and heavy. Yeah, you’ve got to feel your anger and do something with it. There’s many things you can do with it, and it’s just a matter of how it’s expressed for you that works well for you.
SB: Yeah, and admitting to it in the first place.
LZ: Yeah. Hi I'm Lauren and I experience anger. Definitely, just even saying that, I don't know, as a kid, what’s anger? Everything is fine. Thank you for this. I’m definitely going to turn the camera off and chew on this for a little while. I always like those conversations, so thank you, Sarah.
SB: Thank you.
Lauren Ziel, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Her clinical experience in medical and mental health settings has shaped her understanding that physical and psychological wellness are interconnected. As such, Lauren approaches therapy from a holistic perspective wherein mind and body are seen as inextricably linked.
Sarah Butcher, LMFT is constantly reminded that we all seek to make meaning out of the human experience, from seeking to understand our fears, insecurities, and wounds, to making sense of our moments of joy, anticipation, and contentment. As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sarah believes that healing happens in the context of genuine relationships.