L: I am happy to be here with Darrah McLean, who has written a book I wanted to talk with her about today, because this month we are thinking about narrative and storytelling, and journeys of healing and growth. So…, Darrah, thank you for being here!
D: Happy to be here!
L: Could you share some details about your book? And what informed your writing of this story, in particular?
D: Yeah, I would love to. So I just finished the sixth draft, and am in the midst of the querying process, which is quite a thing. The title of my book is All The Things I Didn’t Say. And it's about a 14 year old girl who is trying to reclaim her identity in the wake of her older sister's suicide. It is a story that is inspired by my own grief journey. After my youngest sister died by suicide…..it’s heavy, even all these years later. Grieving Maggie was a profoundly lonely journey for me, and I really felt compelled to find a way to spotlight the trauma of sibling loss.
L: Thank you for sharing that, Darrah. Grieving a loss such as that, an incredibly painful and filled with complex emotions experience. I know that you had shared with me that it took some time between your sister's death by suicide and on your journey of healing, which has been an ongoing and evolving one….and it took some time before you knew that you were ready to begin writing your book. And certainly you had done a lot of personal work in that period of time. I'm wondering, do you think that the actual process of writing your book contributed to your personal process of healing?
D: Absolutely. Definitely. It has been a journey. My sister died in 1997. So it'll be 26 years this fall. But I didn't get serious about writing this story until five years ago. And I, prior to that, I was doing a lot of healing work. And there, you know, there would also be times where I just would push it aside and I didn't want to deal with it. And even so, having gotten through all of the healing work that I had done, when I finally did realize, ‘Okay, this is a story that I'm going to try to write’. There were scenes that were so hard to write, and took me to such depths of pain, that it was really hard, and there were a lot of tears as I was typing. But I will also say it was about the third draft when I realized just how cathartic the process had become for me and how by opening up the pain, it didn't actually make it worse. It allowed me to live with it in a way that I hadn't been able to do before. And I heard this amazing quote, I can't remember who told me this… it’s not that the pain is meant to go away, it's just that we get stronger, and we're able to carry it. And I feel like that's the point that I have gotten to now. And because of this process of writing, and going into this story, I've just, I've been able to find a new level of healing. I really did pour my pain into the page. And because it's fiction, there are also things that I could make my character do that I wasn't able to do. And so in a lot of ways, I found forgiveness for myself, by recreating scenes, or having my character say something that I wish I had said. So, part of the cathartic piece of this was, was really about forgiving myself, which I think guilt is a huge thing that survivors of suicide loss carry. And finding a way to forgive yourself, for things that were out of your control...it's extremely powerful.
L: It's really beautiful. Your description, and thank you for sharing that so much. You knew that you wanted to write a sibling story in order to shine that light on the sibling experience in the aftermath of a loved ones death by suicide. And as you said, you know firsthand that can be a really neglected and isolated one, and filled with a lot of pain and a lot of complex emotions. As you're talking about that, that the writing and the catharsis and kind of turning things over in different ways, and how that was useful to you…it also makes me think about how stories are so powerful, because they give us a way in, and that can help us understand something in an intimate and very accessible way. And so I'm curious how you think about or would describe your hope or intention in sharing this story with others, whether those with a shared or quite different lived experience?
D: Yeah. So my initial hope has always been that this story would resonate with someone whose sibling also died by suicide. But that initial hope has also evolved into a hope that others who read this story will be able to show up for their friend, their cousin, their child, in a more present way for that person who has lost the sibling. I also think that, you know, it's really important that we continue to talk about mental health and suicide, and not just prevention and intervention, but also postvention, which is where survivors of suicide loss really fall. And, you know, there were three shows during the pandemic that so beautifully portrayed, in my opinion, what it's like to be the person left behind after a suicide. They were Nine Perfect Strangers, Mare of Easttown and Ted Lasso. And they all came within one year. I mean, it was just amazing to me that, you know, all of these survivor loss stories were coming out and I also was just so excited, because I felt so seen in those storylines and my hope is that my book someday could be that comfort for someone else. And it really is, it could just be one person, you know? That someday reads it, and resonates with it, and finds their own path forward.
L: It's making me think about how you said that it's the telling of one's story, the relating to it, in terms of other survivors, and also the support and the relationships and communities around someone experiencing this type of loss. Often that postvention, right, you've written a story that really is all about that experience and the power, as you said, of being able to speak to one's experience, to not feel as though it can't be talked about, you know, made contact with, and the different ways that that one can do that, and how essential it is for the whole process of healing.
D: Yeah.
L: In these different ways of making contact with grief that you're speaking to, whether through narrative, or personal accounts, or fictional representations, it makes me wonder whether, (and you alluded to this a bit), in the writing of your book, you offered your main character, any supports or avenues towards healing that you wish that you had had available to you at the time of your sister's death by suicide?
D: 100%? Yes…100% Yes. I had definitely had therapy before my sister died, but at the time of her death, I did not have a therapist that was in my life, or that I trusted at the time, and I really wanted to give – my character's name is Jules – and I really wanted to give Jules that safe space, and that experience of what that could feel like, to have an adult create that safe space for her where she could talk about and process what was happening for her, and in her family. And, you know, it's not that everything wraps up in this perfect bow at the end of this book. You know, Jules' sister is gone, and she's not coming back. But, there were situations where I could have Jules make healthier choices than what I made. And I could also put her in positions where she could confront situations and people in a way that I couldn't at the time of my sister's death for a lot of different reasons. I also, in the storytelling, leaned into some things that were helpful to me at the time, like, music, and journaling, and I tried to incorporate some of those things that I did do. But I…the beauty of fiction is that you get to make it be whatever you want to be. And so I did, I did take advantage of that where I could.
L:I love that. You've spoken to the forgiveness, and I hear the empowerment, kind of, and also the amplifying of the aspects that you know were of value and helpful to you.
D: Yeah, absolutely. You know, just the perseverance of writing this book – for anybody who has sat down to try to write a book, I really had no idea just how much work goes into it. But especially with a story that is this personal, I'm proud of myself as kind of corny as that might sound I really am proud of myself and I really encourage maybe for somebody else, if it's not writing maybe it's painting, maybe it's music, I don't know, but finding an outlet for that pain and being able to express that, and share that, and add to the conversation and keep these topics top of mind and out there, I think that will… that helps. It helps normalize it and normalize this very unique grief journey. And a lot of people, it's so heavy, and a lot of people don't want to talk about it, but the people who are going through it really need you to talk about it. And so, I guess that's another hope of mine is that my story will kind of kickstart some conversations for people.
L: Mmhmm. Are there any resources you would suggest, and that I would love to be able to include with our interview that have been in that vein, sources of comfort or support to you in your journey, and that you would also wish to share with others?
D: Yeah, I have some books – that there isn't a lot out there on sibling loss specifically, but there were a few books – Still With Us, The Forgotten Mourners, and Do They have Bad Days in Heaven, those are the three titles that are coming to mind. So I will definitely share the links to those. And then, in the last couple years, I finally felt like I was ready to volunteer. And so, I have really found that the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has been an incredible resource for me to get involved with. And, you know, whether you are looking to volunteer, or you're looking for support, they have a lot of postvention support info. And there is a program called Healing Conversations for those that have just experienced a loss, that is something that people might want to look into, as well. So, I've found that to be really, really helpful.
L: I really appreciate you sharing those.
D: Yeah. Thanks so much for having me, Lisa, and thank you for talking about this difficult, difficult subject, it’s just so important.
L: It's absolutely so important. And I I appreciate your time, and your offering of your story in all of these different ways, and the meaning and value of them.
D: Yeah. Thank you.
Farrah Maclean is a copywriter, brand storyteller and aspiring author working on her first novel. ALL THE THINGS I DIDN’T SAY is Darrah’s debut Young Adult novel about the aftermath of a sister’s suicide and the all-consuming grief that tears a family apart. You can find Darrah and her many talents here or here.